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失而复得的梦想: 此路不通 那就换条路再出发

kira86 于2019-09-20发布 l 已有人浏览
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上帝为你关上一扇门,必定会为你打开一扇窗。如果一条路走不通,那就换一条路试试。
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Dreams Lost and Found

失而复得的梦想

When I was a very young girl, my mother took me to see Swan Lake. I'd never seen ballet before, and afterward, all I could dream of was becoming a ballerina , a prima ballerina.

在我还是个小女孩的时候,我的母亲带我去看《天鹅湖》。在那之前,我从没看过芭蕾表演。而在那之后,我所有的梦想就是成为一名芭蕾舞演员,一名首席芭蕾舞演员。

Though I loved school throughout my early years, and was particularly fond of reading and writing, I was equally inclined toward athletics. I eagerly looked forward to playground recesses when, flying past my playmates in footraces or swinging energetically across the monkey bars . I would imagine myself in tights and leotard , time and space in my grasp as I soared effortlessly through the air in some achingly beautiful "pas de deux ".

我小时候虽然很爱上学,尤其喜欢阅读和写作,但是我也同样喜欢运动。我热切地盼望着在课间休息时到操场上去玩耍,不管是在与同学们比赛竞走的时候从他们身边疾速超越,还是精力旺盛地爬到猴架上荡来荡去,我都会想象自己穿着紧身衣和紧身裤,毫不费力地腾空而起,跳起美丽动人的芭蕾双人舞。在那一刻,时间和空间尽在我的掌握之中。

My father, a self-made businessman, had enormous faith in what he saw as the unlimited potential of each of his children. He had drilled into my brothers and me from early on the belief that we each had the ability to achieve any and all of our dreams, as long as we kept them firmly in our sights. I believed with all my heart that he was right and spent part of every day seeing the reality of my becoming a ballerina in my mind.

我的父亲是位白手起家的商人。他认为他的每个孩子身上都具有无限的潜能,并对此坚信不疑。在我们很小的时候,他在我和兄弟们心中深深植入了这样的信念:只要我们牢牢地把梦想记在心中,我们每一个人就都有能力去实现自己的任何和所有梦想。我对这些话的正确性深信不疑。我每天都会花上一些时间在脑海中想象自己真的成了一名芭蕾舞演员。

When, in about the fifth grade, I began tripping over my own feet more and more frequently. But as a small child, I didn't realize that something might be wrong. But when my older brother, who had been experiencing similar problems, was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy , I knew what was wrong with me. Even so, the fact that muscular dystrophy can be a slow-moving disease caused my initial symptoms to be minor enough that, with the ignorance of youth, the possibility that it would completely change my dream never occurred to me.

大概在我上五年级的时候,我开始越来越频繁地自己把自己绊倒。可我毕竟还是个小孩子,并没意识到这可能有什么问题。但后来,当哥哥也遇到了和我相同的麻烦,被诊断为患了肌营养不良时, 我才明白了自己生了什么病。即便如此,由于肌营养不良是一种慢性病,我最初的症状并不太明显,再加上年幼无知,我从未想到过这种病将会有可能彻底改变我的梦想。

It wasn't until my middle school years, when my legs looked undeveloped, different somehow, from other girls in their first stockings, and my first grown-up pumps had to be replaced with orthopedic shoes, followed by leg braces, but I finally became conscious of some hard facts.

上中学后,我的腿看起来没有发育,和别的第一次穿长筒袜的女孩子有些不一样。我的第一双标志成熟的无带浅口轻便鞋不得不换成矫形鞋。继之以腿部固定支架。直到那时,我才终于意识到一些残酷的事实。

At that time in our yard, there was a huge old oak tree in a secluded corner that I'd always loved climbing. I'd sit up there and daydream, fantasizing about this or that. The oak tree was the automatic choice for me to run to at a time like this, but at the same time, it was becoming more difficult to do so. I went there anyway, though, clumsily hoisting myself up to hide among the branches, trying desperately to will away all fears.

那时,在我们家院子一个隐蔽的角落里有棵高大魁梧的老橡树,我以前一直喜欢爬到树上去玩。我会坐在上面编织美梦,幻想这个,幻想那个。所以在那样一个时刻,跑到大橡树那里成了我下意识的选择,但同时,要跑到大橡树那里也变得困难了许多。不过,不管怎样我还是到了那里,笨拙地爬上了树,把自己藏在树枝间,绝望地想赶走所有的恐惧。

One of my most powerful fears, of course, was that the day would soon come when I would no longer be physically able to perform the simple act of climbing a favorite tree - clearly, ballet was out of the question. While I didn't want to face it, I rarely thought about anything else. On one particularly tough day, I went to my hideout straight off the school bus, backpack on my back. I was especially miserable that day. I'd tripped, again, and had a spectacular fall at school, this time right in front of the boy I'd had a secret crush on during the last year. Though those classmates that witnessed my disgrace had not laughed, had been kind, even, all I could think about was that this was my fate for the rest of my life.

最令我恐惧的事情之一,当然就是我连爬上喜欢的树这样的简单动作都完成不了的日子很快就要到来了——显然,跳芭蕾舞更不可能了。在我不愿意正视这个事实的时候,我很少考虑其他事情。在一个令人特别难以忍受的日子里,我下了校车就背着书包直奔我的藏身之处。那天我特别难受,因为我又自己把自己绊倒了。我在学校当众跌了一大跤,而且正好就当着我去年一直暗恋的那个男孩的面。虽然那些目睹我出丑的同学都没有笑我,甚至还对我很友善,但是我满脑子想到的却都是:这就是我余生的命运。

I'd been crying hard, and I wanted a little moment to myself before going into the kitchen and letting Mom see my tear-streaked face. Desperate to calm down, I grabbed my notebook out of my backpack and started writing a poem about the feelings I was experiencing. We'd been studying haiku that semester, and I was taken by the simple purity of words that could bring forth strong images with great economy .

我之前很伤心地哭过,现在就想在走进厨房前先单独待一会儿,不让妈妈看见我满脸的泪痕。我竭力想让自己平静下来,就匆匆从书包里抓出笔记本,开始写一首诗,写我正在经历的这种痛苦。那个学期我们一直在学俳句,我沉醉于其文字的简单纯净之中,非常简洁的用词即可产生极其生动的形象。

The writing calmed me, setting free the harmful thoughts that had had me in their grip such a short time ago. Having achieved this relatively tranquil state, I decided to try another poem describing my agonizing fears of physical deterioration . Once again, it worked; it was as though the simple act of writing set free the demons that seemed to have taken up permanent residency, allowing me to step outside those thoughts and see them in a different, more detached perspective.

写诗使我平静了下来,将我从那些刚刚还令我深陷其中的有害思想里解放了出来。因为我的心稍微平静了些,所以我决定再写一首,写我对身体每况愈下所产生的极度痛苦的恐惧心理。这再次奏效!好像写作这种简单的行为能够释放那些似乎想永远盘踞在我心中的魔 鬼,能让我挣脱那些想法的束缚,用一种不同的、更加超然的角度来看待它们。

The next afternoon, I went straight to my tree, wanting to see if what had worked once would work again. As soon as I'd climbed to my perch, however, it seemed that all I could focus on was the fact that this hideaway was physically slipping out of my grasp. As if to hang onto the mental imagery of these moments, I began listing every detail I could think of, describing the rough bark against my back, the creaking sound of heavy limbs swaying in the breeze, the dappled afternoon sun splaying across my hands as it worked its way through rustling leaves. I wanted to capture the feel of it. By writing it all down, I felt I'd be able to keep these feelings close to my heart always, regardless of whether my memory or my body failed me.

第二天下午,我又径直跑到老橡树那儿去,想看看昨天在我身上产生那种神奇效果的方法今天还管不管用。但我一爬到树上,就似乎只能想着一件事,那就是从我的身体条件来说,这个藏身之地已经超出了我的控制之外。似乎是为了紧紧抓住这些瞬间的精神影像,我开始描述我能够想到的每一个细节:抵在我身后的那节粗糙的橡树干,微风摇动粗重的树枝时发出的吱吱声,以及透过沙沙作响的树叶在我手上洒落点点斑驳的午后阳光。我想要抓住这种感觉。通过把它全部写下来,我觉得不管我的记忆或者身体是否令我失望过,我都能把这些感觉一直留在我心灵深处。

What began that long-ago afternoon was to become a lifelong love affair with worlds. I realized, as early as that first time I wrote a poem up on the oak tree, that the power of those words would help me remember the things I'd been lucky enough to experience and keep them safe within me for as long as I needed it. It was much later when I realized that those same words would help me let go , help me put one well-lived experience behind me in order that I might move on to something new and equally important.

我在许多年前的那个下午开始做的事情,后来发展成了我对文字的终生挚爱。我意识到,早在我第一次在那棵老橡树上写下第一首诗的时候,这些诗句的力量就会帮我记住那些我曾经有幸经历过的事情,并能帮我将它们安全地保存在我的记忆里,我需要保存多久就保存多久。很久以后,我还意识到同样的这些文字能帮我学会释怀,帮我将一种深刻体验过的经历置于身后,从而能继续向前去体验一些新的、同样重要的事情。

Now, I'm well beyond those youthful years and a full-time free-lance writer. It seems that those long-ago afternoons will always stand out in my memory. The act of writing always takes me back to that initial, willful act of faith, a way to look, touch, and savor all life's moments while they are happening, to make each of them count and not to take any of them for granted. It is a prayer, of sorts , that continues to help me attain and conquer my life without, in the end, being conquered by it. When I put thought on paper today, whether it be for a particularly compelling piece of fiction or a more mundane news piece, there is always the memory of that first thrill of capturing each moment as it happens, of knowing that, no matter how far distant it becomes in memory, the simple act of writing will keep it forever safe, forever authentic .

现在,我的健康状况已比青少年时期大有好转,我成了一名自由作家。很多年前的那些下午似乎将永远凸显在我的记忆中。写作总会使我回想起最初那个固执的信念之举——那是一种当生活中的所有关键时刻到来时看待、感知和品味它们的方式,让我认真对待生活中的每一刻,绝不想当然。这是一种祈祷,如果它算得上祈祷的话,继续帮助我获得并征服我的生活,要是没有它,我最终就会被生活征服。如今,当我在纸上写下我的想法时,不管是写一篇情节细致、引人入胜的小说,还是一条普通的新闻报道,我都记得我捕捉到它发生时的那种最初的激动;我都知道,不管它在我的记忆里变得多遥远,只要把它写下来,这个简单的动作就将使它永远安全、永远可信。

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